This article is not an attempt to give a definitive biblical or theological perspective on the issue of support for the blessing of same-sex couples. That has been done many times by many others. Fully aware that I probably will not say anything that has not already been said, I have produced the following observations in an effort to be helpful to those who are interested, undecided, struggling, and open to the issue of the blessing of same-sex couples. They are numbered to emphasize that they are independent thoughts rather than a systematic exposition:

1. Change is always difficult, but not always bad. The hardest thing in the world for us to do is change, especially if it involves something that we feel strongly about, something that challenges what we see as central to who we are or what we have been taught by others who are important to us. It's even harder if we have already taken a firm and public position on an issue. But to change does not mean that we were evil, wicked or mean before. It just means that we now have new information or insights. To change our minds, not out of expediency, but out of conviction, can mean, in the words of a prayer some of us regularly heard growing up, "to stand for the hard right against the easy wrong."

2. Most of us have already changed in fundamental ways. In light of the above, it's important for us to recognize that we have changed in our lives, and that it is possible (indeed likely) that we will change again. This realization is easy for those of us who once harbored conscious or unconscious racism or sexism; we are familiar with prejudice because we have practiced it. In fact, we are able to recognize that we still bear prejudice in our hearts - lots of it, more than we will admit. But we have resolved to confront our narrowness and to struggle against it. Ironically, sexuality is one area in which many of us - gay and straight - held similar views in the not-too-distant past. The growing acceptance of homosexuality is novel for many homosexuals themselves.

3. Nobody has cornered the market on truth. It's important to acknowledge that those people who support same-sex relationships, like those who oppose them, have read and understood scripture, have sought to know the mind of Christ, earnestly desire to do the will of God, and are open to the action of the Spirit. We really do not need to engage in dueling scriptural interpretations, or to be preachy with one another, as if those who disagree with us are biblically illiterate and have not wrestled with the spiritual significance of our deliberations. Something else is necessary, and that has to do with "respecting the dignity of every human being," in this case the person with whom we disagree. It's usually tough to do, at least for me. But that's both the sine qua non, and the oft-missing ingredient, of true dialogue.

4. It is fairer to base our opinions on people we actually know. I was born in the South in 1945, and in that segregated environment it was easy to make generalizations based on unfounded prejudice. Similarly, when we do not know (or, more likely, think we do not know) gay or lesbian people, and more importantly gay or lesbian couples, it is easy for us to accept the stereotypes we are given. If we don't know one another, ingrained stereotypes tend to dictate our thoughts and feelings. It's fairer for me to judge same-sex relationships by the 12-year partnership of a well-respected member of my vestry than by tabloid journalism that seeks to play on my prejudices.

5. Understanding will be easier if we leave sex out of it. I know overlooking the physical aspect of same-sex relationships may be a surprising idea. But it is more helpful in seeking deeper understanding to leave sex out of it for the time being. We don't need (and shouldn't want) to know about the sexual practices of anyone, including heterosexuals. Marriage is not primarily about sex; it's about relationships of love and commitment (of which sexuality plays a part). It's not our business or the church's to focus on the nature of the physical relationship of any couple. It is our business to encourage faithfulness and commitment.

6. There really are differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals. We have to try (that's all I can say), to let go of saying "it's not natural for people of the same sex to be together." It's certainly not natural for me, but it is for others, no matter what I think or how I feel about it. I'm also convinced it's not a choice. If it were a choice, I could choose to be gay (which I can't). For this fairly self-centered reason, I have come to accept that our differences are part of the mystery of creation. It is also difficult for me to believe that anyone would "choose" to be gay, given that would mean choosing to endure marginalization, suffering, and ostracism. While limited, I do think the analogy of "left-handedness" is helpful. Although it seems hard to believe today, my mother was one of those "forced" to change from what was then thought to be an unnatural state.

7. Relationships are a natural consequence of our humanity. The recognition of our common humanity is the heart of the issue, because if we can admit that there are at least some people who are naturally gay or lesbian (whether we like it or not), who were born this way and who are going to die this way, then it becomes increasingly obvious that their relationships with one another should also be acknowledged. It just doesn't seem fair to tell homosexuals that they alone are not permitted to have meaningful relationships with others, that intimacy and life-giving relationships are only for heterosexuals. It seems clear to me that once I accept the reality of a naturally gay or lesbian person, I can no longer impose a double standard upon that individual. In our courts and in our church, we have recognized and abolished many offensive double standards for persons of different races, colors and genders. In other words, we have been through this before.

8. The blessing of same-sex relationships will not bring about the end of marriage as we know it. It won't even undermine it. At least it hasn't undermined mine, and I've never heard anyone who felt their own marriage was threatened by evolving attitudes or practices in this regard. I don't think the apparent dissolution of marriage and the family is caused by a particular group of people "out there." I think the problem is on our own block and in our own house, with couples who do not invest the time and effort to develop enduring relationships with one another, parents who work too many hours to the detriment of their relationships with their children. These are the things that erode marriage and the family, at least in my experience.

9. It's better to affirm commitment than to foster estrangement. It simply is healthier spiritually to treat all people equally, created in the same image of God as we are, than to be judgmental and hostile toward individuals purely because of their status within a particular group. I really believe the church should be on the side of affirming love and commitment between individuals of any sexual orientation. Love and committed relationships exist with or without the church and will continue to exist with or without the church. The choice the church faces is whether to affirm and wish God's blessing on some, or all, of those members of Christ's Body who are willing to commit themselves to each other.

10. It's important to try to understand and participate in the future rather than to fight it. In my lifetime, I have witnessed the difficult and profound struggles of integration, the women's movement, a new prayer book, the ordination of women and all the myriad forms of political correctness.

All of these challenges to the status quo have made us uncomfortable, and yet most of us have come to see the truth that stands behind them in time, even if we don't like the messengers. The movement to respond pastorally to gay and lesbian love and commitment is not political correctness writ large, nor is it rampant relativism or cultural idolatry. It is in my opinion an honest attempt to discern the Spirit of God and to move with it. o

The Very Rev. Frederick B. Northup is dean of St. Mark's Cathedral, Seattle, Wash.