I think of myself as hip and cool. I go with the flow, change with the times. I am open to new ideas, trends and styles. But I discover it is no longer entirely true. Sometimes I feel like a combination of Miss Manners, Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post. I expect good manners from people.

As a youngster, when I went to a party, my mother told me to be "sure to say please and thank you and dance with the hostess." She taught me to walk on the street side when accompanying a lady on the sidewalk. (Yes, I know "lady" is politically incorrect. But Mother died in 1959, long before we shifted gears about addressing women.)

When a lady or an older person entered the room I was to stand and offer my seat. When riding on public transportation, I was told always to give my seat to a lady or any older or infirm person.

I suppose the women's movement would assume it is denigrating to treat a woman as the weaker sex and to offer her such courtesies. Perhaps elderly and infirm people want to be treated as equals and strong. But I was glad to get a seat on the London tube when my knee hurt. Nevertheless, there are still plenty of items of manners that could be obeyed.

Mother taught me to write thank you notes for gifts and "bread and butter" notes thanking hosts for dinners and parties. Removing one's hat when entering a building, especially a church, or in the presence of a lady was a must.

Emily Post, the expert in manners in polite society, was an Episcopalian, a member of St. Mary's Church, Tuxedo Park, N.Y., where she is buried. My brother Edwin has been rector of that parish for 15 years. I have visited Emily Post's grave in the churchyard. Years ago I took great delight in reading her book Etiquette, published in the 1920s.

Because I am a rector, I correspond frequently with other members of the clergy. Episcopal clergy are in no danger of falling into the trap of priggish manners and mannerisms of Anglican priests in the English novels. But the bad manners of many clergy show a contempt, if not disrespect, for human beings. They show a lack of consciousness for pastoral opportunities. Good manners are simple ways of communicating the love of Christ to neighbors and friends.

Many clergy are terrible at answering their mail. It piles up. Some clerics even brag about not answering their mail. They let it stack and then throw it all away. One cathedral dean I knew said he'd hold on to the mail for a month, then look at it and discover most of it didn't need an answer, and then trash the lot of it. I wonder how many pastoral opportunities were lost.

We have computers, word processors and good secretaries. The better the communication tools, the less we respond to our mail. Responding to a letter is a way of showing care.

When I worked for the Rt. Rev. James A. Pike, Bishop of California, in the early 1960s, he was the most famous and controversial cleric in the United States and in England. He received about 100 pieces of first class mail each day. He told me he felt it was his pastoral duty to respond to everyone who wrote him. If they took the time to write, it was his job as a bishop and pastor to respond. Birth control, racism, censorship, divorce and abortion were raging issues at that time in church and society. He and his staff worked to respond in a pastoral, caring way to people's letters. The bishop took people's anxiety about those issues seriously. In those days, a dictaphone and a typewriter were the tools for answering his swarm of mail. But it got done.

I know one reason priests and bishops don't answer their mail. They don't want to take a position on certain issues. They do not want to enter into controversy. What that says to the writers is their ideas are of little value and will be ignored. I often get hostile, angry letters about stands I take on homosexuality, abortion and race. I always answer these letters. I acknowledge their anger, respect their position and state that I disagree, if I do. I then invite them to come to Trinity and see how members of our community love one another.

For a year I was secretary of the San Francisco clericus. Each month I sent 30 invitations to the membership asking for a response for luncheons and programs. Never more than 10 bothered to respond. Some would show up without letting us know they were coming. A phone call or a card would suffice to let us know if we should prepare food for them.

I raised this question to the clergy, and one person said we just get too many invitations to respond to them all. I suggest we should get off the lists of groups from whom we do not want invitations.

In 1990, I published a book, In God's Image, about gay and lesbian rights in the church. I sent it to 120 mostly diocesan bishops with a cover letter indicating the book was a gift. I received thank you notes from only five. My mother taught me to write a thank you note when I received a gift.

I have a rule about phone calls. I answer phone calls from parishioners first and quickly. When I receive a call from the clergy, I respond within four hours. Clergy often call when they need to talk, bend an ear or share a frustration. They often call to discuss diocesan or social issues. I am annoyed when I make a call to a cleric and get no response or a call a week later. Many clergy have pagers, cellular phones in their cars and walk-about extensions in their offices. There seems no reason why phone calls can't be answered in a timely manner.

If the clergy do not respond to letters, gifts and phone calls from their brother and sister clergy, I suspect they are not much better with the laity. Responding to communications is a way of demonstrating care, collegiality and concern. These are not only matters of manners, they are attitudes about pastoral care.

The message we send by not responding is that we don't care. We don't have the consciousness to see the opportunities for pastoral care in writing letters, responding to invitations and answering the telephone. The response to someone's communication is a way of showing Christ's love to the people of the church community.

We clergy need some shaping up in doing simple things that make us better pastors and priests. Good manners not only keep us civilized, but also are ways of showing respect, care and concern for people. We enhance people's dignity and self-esteem when we take their communication to us seriously. Good manners are necessary for good pastoral care. q